Aragorn, Please Wash Your Hair!
by purplediamond7
Summary: Arwen's doubts weren't about Aragorn's mortality... They were about his hair! Complete!
1. The Gift of the Evenstar

**Aragorn, Please Wash You Hair! Or I won't Marry You!**

Declaimer: I wish I owned Lord of the Rings... But my wished rarely come true.

**Gift of the Evenstar**

A/N: Thanks to xXAnimeFelineXx for getting me started on this idea!

Arwen was blissfully happy. She had gotten that annoying hobbit to Rivendell, and she was on her way to meet Aragorn. They met up on a conveniently romantic bridge.

"Aragorn," Arwen whispered, kissing her beloved. She looked up at him and noticed, to her annoyance, that his hair was horribly untidy.

"Arwen, my love," Aragorn murmured, kissing her in turn.

"Aragorn, can you please do something about your hair?" Arwen asked. "I have a lovely raspberry shampoo."

"But Arwen," Aragorn complained. "I don't like shampoo."

"That's rather obvious," Arwen commented. "Do you remember how we first met?" she asked, switching into Elvish.

"I thought I'd strayed into a dream," Aragorn said dreamily.

"Do you remember what I first told you?" Arwen asked.

"You said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people," Aragorn said in a low voice.

"No, I meant the other part,"

"What?" Aragorn asked.

"I can't believe you don't remember! I said I'd bind myself to you etc., etc., _ONLY _IF YOU WASH YOUR HAIR BEFORE MARRYING ME!"

"Oh. Right." Aragorn said.

"And to that I hold," Arwen said. "I would rather share a mortal life with you and your clean hair, than endure all the ages of this world alone."

"Thank you," Aragorn said.

"I choose a mortal life. ONLY if you wash your hair!"

She slipped the Evenstar necklace into Aragorn's hand.

"You cannot give me this!" he exclaimed.

"It is mine to give to whom I will... Like my shampoo," Arwen said, and leaned forward to kiss Aragorn.

When they finally broke apart, Aragorn said,

"I don't really want the shampoo, but I'll keep the necklace,"

Arwen smiled sweetly, then shoved Aragorn off the bridge into the water.

"Arwen!" Aragorn screamed from the water, once he surfaced.

"You deserved it!" cried the enraged Arwen. "Besides, your hair might be a bit cleaner from that!"

A/N: Please review! I'll give you figurative ice cream!


	2. Aragorn's Dream

**Aragorn, Please Wash Your Hair! Or I Won't Marry You!**

Declaimer: Does this sound like J.R.R. Tolkien writing? I didn't think so.

**Aragorn's Dream**

Aragorn knew he was asleep. Arwen standing before him, wearing a near-transparent gown was too good to be true.

"This is a dream," he whispered.

"Then it is a good dream," Arwen murmured, "It certainly is a dream. Your hair is clean!"

They kissed passionately for a while.

"You told me once this day would come." Aragorn said. "The day would come when my hair would be clean."

"It is not the end... it is the beginning. You must always wash your hair. That is your path."Arwen told him.

"My path is hidden from me."

"It is already laid before your feet. You have started using shampoo. You cannot falter now."

"Arwen..." Aragorn whispered, but she put her fingers over his lips.

"If you trust nothing else...trust this..." Arwen said, touching the Evenstar, "trust us...trust shampoo."

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	3. Glory Undimmed by Shampoo

**Aragorn, Please Wash Your Hair! Or I Won't Marry You!**

Declaimer: I wish I owned LotR... my wishes rarely come true.

**Glory Undimmed by Shampoo**

Arwen was lying on her bed, feeling very tragic and thinking about Aragorn.

"Arwen," her father said, coming in. She sat up. "It is time. The ships are leaving for Valinor. Go now... before it is too late."

"I have made my choice," she whispered.

"He is not going to wash his hair. Why do you linger here when there is no hope?"

"There is still hope,"

"If Aragorn survives this war, he will still not wash his hair. If Suaron is defeated and Aragorn made king and all that you hope for come true, you will still have to live (and sleep) with his filthy hair."

"Daddy!" Arwen cried indignantly.

"Even your persuasion and threats will not get Aragorn to use shampoo. And there will be no comfort for you... no comfort to ease the pain of a husband who doesn't use conditioner. He will go through life with filthy hair, an image of the splendor of the kings of Men, in glory undimmed by shampoo before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness, and in false hope, as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell, having left Aragorn in horror, bound to your grief, under the fading trees, until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent."

By now Arwen was crying.

"Arwen. There is nothing for you here. Only Aragorn's dirty hair."

Arwen broke into hysterical sobs.

"Do not I also have your love?" Elrond asked.

"You have my love, father. Besides, you have clean hair!" Arwen wailed.

"I suppose we could always arrange you marriage to Legolas..."

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	4. The Warning

**Aragorn, Please Wash Your Hair! Or I Won't Marry You!**

Declaimer: Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true... Somewhere over the rainbow I would own LotR. To my greatest disappointment, this is not somewhere over the rainbow.

**The Warning**

Aragorn was at the camp at Dunharrow. It was the middle of the night and he was having terrible nightmares. He dropped the Evenstar and smashed it. Then he saw Arwen lying on her bed, a tear rolling down her face.

"I wish I could have seen him with clean hair," she whispered. "One last time,"

Aragorn sat up in horror, a dagger drawn instinctively.

"Sir?" came a voice from the doorway. He looked around. "King Theoden awaits you, my lord," the messenger said.

Aragorn walked moodily into Theoden's tent. There was someone in a cloak sitting in the corner.

"I'll take my leave," Theoden said, walking out.

Aragorn turned to the figure in the corner. It rose and pushing back his cloak, revealed itself to be Elrond.

"My lord Elrond,"

"I come on behalf of one whom I love," he declared. "Arwen is dying. She will not long survive the evil that now spreads from your hair. The light of the Evenstar is failing. As your hair gets dirtier, her strength wanes. Arwen's life is now tied to your hair and your hair is getting filthier by the day. The Shadow of an age with no shampoo is upon us, Aragorn. The end has come."

"It will not be our end, but the end of me not washing my hair."

"You might try, but you won't succseed. Old habit die hard."

"I _will_ wash my hair," Aragorn insisted.

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	5. The Days of the King with Clean Hair

**Aragorn, Please Wash Your Hair! Or I Won't Marry You!**

Declaimer: Did you see this in the movie?

**The Days of the King with Clean Hair**

Before his coronation, Aragorn braved the perils of Legolas's rose-scented shampoo and thought how proud Arwen would feel if she could see him now. He went up to Gandalf, who placed the winged crown of Gondor on his head.

"Now come the days of the king with clean hair. May they be blessed." Gandalf said.

Aragorn took a deep breath, bidding good-bye to his happy life with lovely filthy hair. He turned to face his people.

"This day does not belong to one man, but to all," he addressed them, "Let us together make sure my hair is always clean, so that we may all keep up my reputation in the days of peace."

He went down, everyone bowing to him, and met Legolas at the bottom of the short staircase.

"Do you like the shampoo?" Legolas whispered.

"Yes, thank you!" Aragorn whispered back.

"I think someone else will appreciate you hair," Legolas said confidingly, nodding slightly to a group of Elves.

Aragorn turned to them and saw Elrond. Then, from behind a banner of Gondor came Arwen. She was looking down at her feet as she came forward. Then she seemed to gather enough courage to look up. When she saw Aragorn's hair, her whole face lighted up.

"You washed your hair!" she cried and flung her arms around Aragorn, kissing him fiercely.

A/N: So that's it! Happy ending, right! Or is it? If you want me to write a sequel about Arwen's married life and more struggles with Aragorn's hair, you can let me know through reviewing!


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